Two Marriage Lessons

It’s a foreign concept to most Americans, but for Coptic Orthodox Christians, it’s common knowledge: marriage is not for happiness but for holiness.

This view stands in stark contrast to modern expectations of romance. In a culture that often treats marriage as a vehicle for personal fulfillment, many people slide deeper into narcissism and end up worse off for it. When you see marriage as a means of holiness and salvation rather than individual happiness, “I’m just not happy” or “we’re incompatible” lose their power as acceptable reasons to walk away.

I’ve been married for two years now, and these are probably the two biggest lessons I’ve learned so far.

Lesson 1: Forgiveness Makes Growth Possible

Marriage has taught me that forgiveness is necessary for any real growth to occur.

I’ve learned that people do change—they just never change as quickly as you want them to, or as drastically as you want them to.

I’ve watched my husband grow and improve, and the only way to give him room to do so is to forgive him. If I keep holding past mistakes or annoying habits over his head and bringing them up again and again, how is he supposed to change? More importantly, how am I ever going to see and accept the new and improved version of him if I refuse to let go of the past?

Forgiveness creates the space where growth can actually happen.

Lesson 2: Marriage Holds Up a Mirror

Marriage has also taught me that it’s a mirror for the things you would rather ignore about yourself.

Almost everything that annoys me about my husband is something I do myself. It’s been a very humbling lesson.

Now, whenever I start to feel irritated with him, I ask myself, “But do you do it too?” Ninety-nine percent of the time, the answer is yes. It sucks to recognize your own hypocrisy. Yet marriage holds that mirror right up to my face every single day and puts me in a headlock until I look.

It’s painful. But it’s necessary.

I’m a hypocrite, and I need to forgive. I’m pretty sure Christ spoke about both of those things a lot. Go figure.

If you want to be happy, you probably shouldn’t get married. But if you want to grow, dive right in. The water’s great.